California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire

SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concerns about the potential consequences for their health, hundreds of employees throughout California told reporters Thursday they were hesitant about returning to in-person work in buildings that were presently on fire. “If I’m being honest, I’m a little nervous about having to go back to the office when there is still a risk we could all be burned alive,” said Bill Marcks, a designer at a marketing firm in Los Angeles and one of many workers across the Golden State who argued they were more productive on the job when they did not have to contend with the distractions of blaring smoke alarms or people screaming in agony. “Throughout this crisis, my employer has done a great job of putting the safety of its people first. So, it would be a shame if they reopened our workplace too soon, everyone perished in a raging inferno, and all those precautions we took turned out to be for nothing. I truly appreciate the company’s efforts to mitigate the risk by requiring head-to-toe asbestos suits in the workplace, but I still get worried. While I’d love to see my coworkers again, it just isn’t worth it if it means they’re all going to be on fire.” At press time, California employees were reportedly relieved when companies announced that returning to the office would be voluntary, meaning workers would still have the option to be devoured by flames from home.